Tips for Adoptive or Step-Dads

Unconditional love and acceptance – No matter if you are adopting a child or you are marrying someone with children you need to go into with the attitude that this child (or children) is not just baggage but no different than your own biological child.  You must accept and love unconditionally.  If you go into things with this attitude your life will be easier from the start.

Discipline – If you are adopting with your spouse this can be a time where you discuss what your ideas of appropriate discipline are.  If you are remarrying you need to talk before the wedding about your role in the lives of the children that you will be living with.  Mothers can often be very protective of their children when it comes to a new spouse.  On one hand this is natural and good.  On the other hand it can be irrational to expect a man to live with children and support them but not be the true father figure that they want to be.  Be patient with your wife and try to understand.  When a mother is being the “mother bear” it is not the time to tell her she is doing it wrong.  Bide your time and try to discipline in the most loving and gentle ways.

The “other” dad – Whether you have had an open adoption or you are remarrying you need to accept the role and place of the other father in the children’s lives.  This can be very difficult emotionally because the longer you have a child the more of a bond you feel and the more protective you are.  Just remember, the other father may not meet your standards of what a father should be but that doesn’t mean that they are not deeply important to the child.  A child never has too many people to love them, do not shut this other father out of their lives.  Most of all do not send anything but accepting signals to your child or their other father.  This will make the child feel guilty for having fond feelings for all involved.  A child should never feel like they have to choose between two parents.  Be the bigger man and make your relationship with the other father based on the child, this is the common cause that you have, make it work.

Love is a verb – Always remember that love is a verb.  It requires action; it doesn’t just happen to you or for you.  You must be proactive.  All children interpret certain things with being loved.  Some of these things are (but not limited to): 

·         Safety – This means a safe home and haven.  A place where it is not only safe from the outside world but safe emotionally and physically.  It should be a safe place to be your true self.

·         Physical affection – All kids needs to be hugged.  Be considerate of the child’s feelings but never stop working toward being physically affectionate.

·         Trust – Children need to know that you are reliable and that they can trust you with their deepest thoughts and feelings, even when you don’t agree with them.

·         Support and Presence – Be there.  Just being home each evening for dinner is huge.  Be at their school events and sporting events.  Anything that the child shows an interest in, you show an interest in the same thing for their sake.